Pondering, Dwelling, Everywhere, Heavy

I just simply don’t know what to do anymore..what to say, and how to handle things…especially when it comes to my relationship…

[sigh]

Guilt, Happy, Hurt, Angry

These are the mixture of emotions…feelings that are built up and taking over me internally, and eventually showing externally. 

Thinking…<-too much of that lately. 

School is now out and I have so much idle time to think, smh not a good thing for me. When I think, it isn’t just a swirl of random thoughts and images that come in my mind and leave…they sit in my mind and ponder, dwell. They dwell so much and so hard that they start to overcome me, in a bittersweet way. Bittersweet because some thoughts have me floating, anxiously waiting for these blessings..and some bring me so down, so down that I become realistically suicidal. The thoughts are that serious. Tragically. These emotional states have been with me for a while, I know they shouldn’t be. And I’m absolutely tired of it. 

I thought I fully closed and was done with a chapter of my life but I look back and see there’s one page still blank…one page that still needs to be fulfilled to make it whole. To work on this page has been placed on my heart several times for a while now and I have been ignoring, walking away from it, avoiding it…moved on and called myself starting a new one. No, that’s not how a book works, for it to make sense and move forward, each chapter has to be complete. I believed I could change that rule, unfortunately not. I plan on moving forward with this man, and in order for me to do that, I need to completely close my past chapter, which I thought I concluded a long time ago. It’s been on my mind heavy and it’s hurting me, it’s been breaking me down ever since I thought it was done and over with, the emotions that are dwelling in me are obvious signs that it’s not done..and over with.

I’m tired of it easily slipping it’s way into my current relationship. Ab-so-lute-ly tired of it. The fact that I went from a engagement back to a boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship has messed me up confused me. Because my mind is still set on marriage, I honestly don’t know how to be a girlfriend anymore, I only know how to be one step closer to being a wife. My state of mind is still trying to acquire the mind of a God-fearing wife, not girlfriend. But my boyfriend, still has the state of mind of..a boyfriend. I bring these assets, if you will, that I already have into this relationship and it affects it from time to time. I’ve learned that I’m not ready to be a wife, just yet, but me still wanting to be one and striving to be one is playing a part..

[sigh]

I thought I was ready to put everything out on the table, but I’m still not…

Seeds of Spring: A Woman’s 40-day Journey

(~): My personal thoughts, or commentary if you will

[Day Three]

Luke 8:4-8 [NIV]

“While a large crowd was gathering and people were coming to Jesus from town after town, he told this parable: 5 “A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds at it up. 6 Some fell on rocky ground, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture. 7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown.” When he said this, he called out, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”

When the Lord told this parable, what did He exactly mean by it? Jesus told us this parable to help us examine ourselves. A self-examination to see where we are with Him. To question ourselves with questions such as, do we have the ability to hear His words and take heed to them? Are our hearts open and are we able to use it to seek Him? If we can’t hear His words and have a open heart for them to dwell in, than how are we suppose to grow?! Scripture proclaims that the farmers seeds went through this and that when landing in different areas. The seeds are His words, the locations are the floors of different hearts, if we have a good, spiritual and open heart to plant the seeds in; they will grow and prosper into our hearts! Thus making our hearts bigger and fuller for God!

~Wow…”Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear” …man, just because we all have ears doesn’t necessarily mean we all will hear His words. Think about it.

Psalm 1

“Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers. 2 but who delight is in the law of Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. 3 That is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither __ whatever they do prospers. 4 Not so the wicked! They are like chaff that the wind blows away. 5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgement, nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous. 6 For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.”

~There are so many scriptures like this in the Bible that will open our eyes to worldly things that are in disguise! The people who have the Holy Spirit dwelling in them will feel the conviction, the guilt of wrong doing, for two reason: they have the Holy Spirit in them and two they know what’s right from wrong according to God’s word. That conviction it telling the believer “hey you need to turn around, you’re on the path of destruction and this is a warning sign that you need to take the right route: His route”. Some of us know that feeling, fortunately! 

[Day Four]

Luke 8:9-15 [NIV]

His disciples asked Him what this parable meant. 10 He replied, ”You are permitted to understand the secrets of the Kingdom of God. But I use parables to teach the others so that the Scriptures might be fulfilled: ‘When they look they won’t really see. When they hear, they won’t understand.’ 11 “This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is God’s word. 12 The seeds that fell on the footpath represent those who hear the message, only to have the devil come and take it away from their hearts and prevent them from believing and being saved. 13 The seeds on the rocky soil represent those who hear the message and receive it with joy.l But since they don’t have deep roots, they believe for a while, then they fall away when they face temptation. 14 The seeds that fell among the thorns represent those who hear the message, but all too quickly the message is crowded out by the cares and riches and pleasures of this life. And so they never grow into maturity. 15 And the seeds that fell on the good soil represent honest, good-hearted people who hear God’s word, cling to it, and patiently produce a huge harvest.”

My-God ! When I was writing my thoughts on day three, this is the same revelation I got! Now mind you, I’ve read this scripture before BUT I lost track of writing on my posts so I totally forgot about this scripture until I had to go back and read it. I only went back and read it after I wrote on day three. Glory to God! Same thing I came up with in my revelation except it was different words. This is what I got. There are believers such as ourselves that tend to lose faith at different times and on different levels if you will, allow me to explain. There’s the people who believe in His word and let it dwell in them until a storm comes and the faith slowly drifts away. Then again the word abides in some but we are distracted from things or even people of the world..!  We can not get on the path of destruction, can we turn back of course, but it’s going to be hard if you don’t have faith and don’t believe..

~If you have any questions PLEASE shoot me an message, or email TahiaRechelle@gmail.com ! Let’s connect and grow together!<3

God Bless<3